Friday, May 29, 2009


Happy 1st Birthday Dash!!! It was just 12 months ago that you came into our lives at 12:59pm, screaming, with crazy hair and wide eyes. It has been truly unbelievable. They say that children change your life and you definitely have. There's less sleep (and less tv; maybe a good thing) but there is so much more joy and laughter! Some mornings, I'm blurry-eyed and stumbly, and I would kill for another hour (or 10!) of sleep, but then I hear you happily babbling to yourself in your crib and I can't wait to get up out of bed and see what new adventures are in store for the two us! I love you. I love you in a way I never thought possible. In a way that I could have never experienced without having you in my life.

I love the way you ask to be picked up and then direct me to where you want to go by pointing to this or that and going "Ooo, ooo", like I'm both your car and driver.

I love it when we play "hide and seek" around your rocker. And how hard you giggle when I "find" you.

I love that you are fascinated by how things fit together. And when you're crabby all I have to do is to show you how something fits together and then give it to you to try to do yourself and you're instantly engrossed.

I love that your whole world grinds to a halt when you hear a new sound, until you have figured out just where it is coming from.

I love that you feel most at peace outside listening to the birds "talk", watching the breeze move the tree leaves, and touching the different textures of the plants.

I love (well maybe not love, but they are awfully funny) your 5 second temper tantrums that end when you realize that nothing's going to change until you stop.

I love it when I am comforting you to sleep at night, with your head on my chest, and I think that you are just about to nod off and then you suddenly pop your head up and grin at me, like you and I have a special secret, and then just as quickly put you head back down on my chest and close you eyes.

I love that you have helped me to feel more deeply and to see the world in a new, more magical way.

I love that you are part of my life. I love you Dashy. Happy, happy birthday!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Oh, The Wonderful Things He Can Do...

First an apology... I know the blog has been silent for almost two weeks. My excuses are not that original: I've been up to my eyeballs with work (yes, the madness continues), I've still been trying to cook Dashy all fresh food and keep the household running (laundry, bills, etc.), catch up a little on my sleep (I'm currently running at a huge deficit) and....I've been trying to turn this...

Into this...

And then into this...

 time for Dashy's first birthday party. We still have a little ways to go, but we have a week and half. I'm hoping that's enough time!

One of my director's once said that I thrive on chaos and I'm beginning to think that there might be some truth in there. Unfortunately I think that I like to keep heaping it on until I can't shout "Uncle" because I'm being crushed under the weight of my projects! Arg! Maybe therapy is the answer.

Anywho, moving onto more interesting subjects...

Dashy has come up with his own verbal language lately. I haven't been able to determine which country I think the dialect is from. At first it sounded Swedish (I tried to get this on video but failed unfortunately. Trust me it was amazing sounding!) And now it's transitioned to something else. Take a listen...

I'm thinking Seussian. What do you think?

Dashy does have a new favorite book, "Go Dogs Go". And the reading of it has become an interactive experience...

He's getting pretty good with sign language too. When we are outside playing he will point out all the planes passing overhead by using his "up" sign everytime he hears one. (Our house is in a flight path in the mornings, so this goes on for quite a while but it is so cute the charm hasn't worn off yet!)

He has also learned to model the sign for "eat". If you ask him if he wants "Yum, Yum" (don't ask; it's a long story) he will model the sign for "eat" if he is hungry. And when Patricia told him that Arlo, our dog, needed to eat his lunch the other day, Dash modeled the "eat" sign for Arlo too.

And just so you don't think that all we do around here is converse, here's Dash breakin' out some of his new moves...

He just loves music and uses almost any excuse (his own singing, a rhythmic tapping he hears in the distance, etc.) to get his groove on!

He is also very into "feats of strength" these days. He is always trying to find the heaviest object he can lift. Lately one of his favorite "toys" is a rubber mallet...

Well, that's about it for now. I will leave you with this delightful sign-off from Dash...

Friday, May 8, 2009

Fried In A Pan...

There was a time I wanted children. Kind of. In a remote, sort of, well of course you have children kind of way. I was younger. Idealistic. And it seemed soooooooo far in the future. I would have conversations with other women and start sentences with, "When I have children..." One of those sentences would always end in "I will have a nanny so I can work."

I couldn't imagine not working. To me it equaled being able to hold onto my own identity. I was adamant that if I had children, I would continue to work, if for no other reason than for my own self-esteem. And I always said that before I had children, there was certain level in my career that I wanted to attain.

After a few years of working, in my chosen industry, I attained it (my goals were not ridiculously lofty, I admit) but I still was not ready for children and so life continued, and continued, and continued... until I was just about to hit 40 and we both realized that that vague notion of "hmmm... someday when we have children..." better be today or it wouldn't be at all.

And, to be honest, even at the beginning of the trying, I was still a little on the fence. I would think, "oh, if only I could wait a couple more years, that would be the perfect time for children." But after trying and failing many, many times, I came to the realization that I really, really wanted a child. I knew it. For real. For the first time in my life.

And as you know, of course, we were blessed with Dashell... and a mortgage... and bills... and working, or not, was not a decision, it was a fact. I work. I work so I can pay bills. I work so I can afford my son... and I work because I really, really like it. I do. I admit it. I love what I do. I'm lucky.

Unfortunately, what I do requires a ridiculous amount of time, which was fine when I didn't have a child. My husband is in the same industry and consequently is a fountain of understanding. But now I have a husband, a child, a career and... a nanny.

We LOVE her. And could not imagine life without her. But sometimes I wonder (almost in a yearning way) what it would be like to just be a mom.

The last few months have been nuts at work (and at home, because many days I work at home late into the night). Crazy, crazy hours. It's been pretty non-stop, even through the weekends. I haven't seen Dash that much... I miss him. I really miss him.

This week has been particularly difficult. I've only seen him for, maybe, 30 minutes each morning (during the hand off to our nanny). Nothing at night.

Thank goodness, for our nanny. I don't give his well-being, or happiness, a second thought. I know he's in the safest (and fun-est) of hands. But it's hard. I just don't know how daddy's do it, or working mom's who travel a lot, or who have hours like mine (or who just have to leave their children regularly for any reason).

I don't know if I could, would, ever want to give up my job. With my line of work, it's all or nothing. Unfortunately, there's no part-time. But I think that would be perfect. In my dream world.. I would work part-time. Just writing those words is like a lovely lyric to beautiful song. Some people daydream of running through a beautiful meadow (or is that just what the panty-liner people want us to believe women dream about?), I dream of part time work.

I miss my son.This morning he had a couple of temper tantrums when I couldn't hold him as I was getting ready to run out the door (yet again.) I believe he misses me too. Selfishly, I hope he does. Is that wrong?

Do (did) you work? How do you deal with all time you don't (didn't) see your children?

Do you physically hurt when you can't see them? ... I do.

p.s. Mom and Dad, thank you. (you know why.)