Friday, May 8, 2009

Fried In A Pan...

There was a time I wanted children. Kind of. In a remote, sort of, well of course you have children kind of way. I was younger. Idealistic. And it seemed soooooooo far in the future. I would have conversations with other women and start sentences with, "When I have children..." One of those sentences would always end in "I will have a nanny so I can work."

I couldn't imagine not working. To me it equaled being able to hold onto my own identity. I was adamant that if I had children, I would continue to work, if for no other reason than for my own self-esteem. And I always said that before I had children, there was certain level in my career that I wanted to attain.

After a few years of working, in my chosen industry, I attained it (my goals were not ridiculously lofty, I admit) but I still was not ready for children and so life continued, and continued, and continued... until I was just about to hit 40 and we both realized that that vague notion of "hmmm... someday when we have children..." better be today or it wouldn't be at all.

And, to be honest, even at the beginning of the trying, I was still a little on the fence. I would think, "oh, if only I could wait a couple more years, that would be the perfect time for children." But after trying and failing many, many times, I came to the realization that I really, really wanted a child. I knew it. For real. For the first time in my life.

And as you know, of course, we were blessed with Dashell... and a mortgage... and bills... and working, or not, was not a decision, it was a fact. I work. I work so I can pay bills. I work so I can afford my son... and I work because I really, really like it. I do. I admit it. I love what I do. I'm lucky.

Unfortunately, what I do requires a ridiculous amount of time, which was fine when I didn't have a child. My husband is in the same industry and consequently is a fountain of understanding. But now I have a husband, a child, a career and... a nanny.

We LOVE her. And could not imagine life without her. But sometimes I wonder (almost in a yearning way) what it would be like to just be a mom.

The last few months have been nuts at work (and at home, because many days I work at home late into the night). Crazy, crazy hours. It's been pretty non-stop, even through the weekends. I haven't seen Dash that much... I miss him. I really miss him.

This week has been particularly difficult. I've only seen him for, maybe, 30 minutes each morning (during the hand off to our nanny). Nothing at night.

Thank goodness, for our nanny. I don't give his well-being, or happiness, a second thought. I know he's in the safest (and fun-est) of hands. But it's hard. I just don't know how daddy's do it, or working mom's who travel a lot, or who have hours like mine (or who just have to leave their children regularly for any reason).

I don't know if I could, would, ever want to give up my job. With my line of work, it's all or nothing. Unfortunately, there's no part-time. But I think that would be perfect. In my dream world.. I would work part-time. Just writing those words is like a lovely lyric to beautiful song. Some people daydream of running through a beautiful meadow (or is that just what the panty-liner people want us to believe women dream about?), I dream of part time work.

I miss my son.This morning he had a couple of temper tantrums when I couldn't hold him as I was getting ready to run out the door (yet again.) I believe he misses me too. Selfishly, I hope he does. Is that wrong?

Do (did) you work? How do you deal with all time you don't (didn't) see your children?

Do you physically hurt when you can't see them? ... I do.

p.s. Mom and Dad, thank you. (you know why.)


Marcela Beatty said...

I felt this! Thanks! A lot of at home mom's complain about how hard it is to be a stay home mom. I agree keeping house is hard work but what about all those wonderful smiles, laughs and hugs you get from your babies during the day!

I am fortunate that I can work nights (full time, this week I worked 48 hours), I don't sleep much during the day but I get to be with Audrey... even if we are in bed all day. I am lucky I get to be with Jeremiah and husband in the afternoons also. Like I said this is with 3 hours of sleep on most days I work.

Sometimes I am in a bad mood from no sleep and then I tell myself how lucky I am I get to see them.

I truely feel your pain. It hurts to walk out the door for me also. But like you said"I work. I have to pay bills, I work for my kids", same here.

My suggestions; take advantage of the time you do have with Dashell. Forget the housecleaning, laundry or calling back a friend or relative (they will all understand), enjoy your DS. Just sit with him and see him play, get on the floor with him and join him. Give him kissess and hugs all the time! You are a wonderful mother and just like you thanked your parents (my mom always had to work too but I am so thankful as well) Dashell will thank you.

Beautiful post.... hits all working mothers right in the heart!

Diana said...

I so want to hug you right now. My eyes are full of tears because I know how hard this is for you. Yes, thank goodness for Patricia, she is wonderful. I hope work lightens up very, very soon. You and Dave are so wonderful with Dash, he knows you both miss him when you are at work because you show him so much love when you are with him. Hugs, hugs, hugs!

Anonymous said...

Yes, Happy Mothers' Day! What joys there are in motherhood! You've told it all so well in your blog...But, then, what heartaches, as well! You've told that beautifully too. You are such a wonderful, loving mother. Dashell is so blessed to have you for his mom...I, so blessed to have you for my daughter, and, yes, both so blessed to have Patricia & her loving care for Dashell. "Motherhood"'s full of uncomparable rewards! Thank you, thank you, thank you, dearest daughter. You are a treasure!

Rebekah & Bryan said...

Gwyn, I had not read this until now and you have so moved me. It is exactly like what we emailed each other about this morning! It is a yearning and a longing that seems to never come. Lauren does the same thing when I do the morning pass off. It breaks my heart hearing her cry because I am leaving. When I come home in the evening i barley take my shoes off an put my purse down just to get to her. It is amazing a mother's love. It is such a forceful feeling and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. god bless to you, Dave, and Dash and many warm hugs at you!